All The World's A Stage
by LilithDrowning
Summary: Draco is randomly quoting Shakespeare and wooing Ginny Weasley... and no one can figure out WHY...
1. Chapter 1

LJP: Okay Meg, if I can get this damn chair to quit spinning, we can start this fanfic. Right?  
  
LilithDrowning: You seem to be finding everything entirely too funny today. I'm never letting you watch freakish movies like "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead" again if you're going to get weird like this.  
  
LJP: It's just your damn chair. That's the problem. Anyway, let's tell all our faithful :::cough cough::: readers out there on ff.net what we're doing.  
  
LilithDrowning: Sarah – you - you're really in my way here (damn the chair!) I can't type to well. Sorry. I don't know what we're doing. This was your idea.  
  
LJP: Very true. Well does it really matter? We're writing a story. And it's Harry Potter. Need we say more?  
  
All The World's A Stage  
  
Written by LJP and LilithDrowning  
  
Rated? Hmn, we already swore, so at least PG, but we'll do PG-13 to be safe.  
  
LJP's Disclaimer: This is bad. Real bad. We don't own Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ronald Weasley, Draco Malfoy (at least Meg doesn't – he's under my bed), Ginny Weasley, Pansy Parkinson (good thing too!), or anything else that is mentioned in the brilliant books that J.K. Rowling writes. Is that disclaimed enough for you?  
  
LilithDrowning: Hey, I wanted the last word!  
  
LilithDrowning's Disclaimer: No, it's not. You forgot Severus Snape (well, he's mine actually) Sirius Black, Albus Dumbledore, Madame Pomfrey, Minerva McGonagall, Professor Sprout, Professor Vector, Sybil Trelawney, Filch, Mrs. Norris (well, it's not like we would want her anyways) Nearly Headless Nick, Peeves, the Golden Snitch, Oliver Wood (He is SO in my closet - but not that way. Then it wouldn't be any FUN) But anyways, Now that I've gotten the last word and proven once and for all that I am a smart ass, let the bad fic begin!  
  
LJP's Additional Disclaimer: WAIT! We forgot to disclaim Shakespeare. After all, we are using his stuff in this. So, I disclaim him. Yeah.  
  
LilithDrowning's Additional Disclaimer: Well disclaim this! I got the last word anyways! Mwahahahaha!  
  
Chapter One  
  
Draco Malfoy stood stark naked in front of the mirror. "To be, or not to be, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer to slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to – damnit. Forgot the rest."  
  
The mirror whistled at him. "Sexy thang" it murmured.  
  
"Excuse me?" Draco snapped.  
  
The mirror balked (if it is possible for mirrors to balk) "I didn't say anything."  
  
"You most certainly did. I heard you." Draco argued angrily, vainly attempting to cover himself, saving his body from the mirror's gaze.  
  
"I said nothing. I swear."  
  
"The mirror doth protest too much methinks"  
  
"Cut it with the Hamlet shit, okay Malfoy?" Crabbe yelled from the Slytherin common room. "And unlock this damn door will you? I want to go to sleep."  
  
"No can do Vinny baby." Draco muttered. "Gotta get some clothes on first." And with that, Draco ran hurriedly around the room in an attempt to grab some clothes. When all was said and done, he stood admiring himself in the mirror.  
  
"I'm gonna use that damn unlocking spell that ugly mudblood bitch was saying if you don't open this damn door soon!" Crabbe insisted. He then proceeded to start calling out as many charms as he could think of, which truly got him nowhere. Except standing next to Goyle, who had transfigured, somehow, into a cow.  
  
The mirror whistled again. "Lookin' good hot stuff."  
  
Draco nodded smugly. "I am, aren't I?" He admired himself in the mirror. He had donned very tight-fitting leather pants, and a white silk shirt unbuttoned down to mid-chest. He had pulled on knee-high black combat boots, and his black cape hung over his shoulder. With a terse nod at the mirror, he spun around on his heels and swept out the door, knocking Crabbe over and, in the process, tipping the cow formerly known as Gregory Goyle.  
  
"What the bloody hell are you doing? Playin' Shakespeare again? How long is this going to last you git?" Crabbe grumbled sourly.  
  
"I am but mad north, northwest. When the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw." Draco declared, sweeping past his friend and tipped cow with a flourish of his cape.  
  
"I can tell them apart too. You're no great brain, Draco. Come back here!" Crabbe yelled as Draco exited the common room, "Snape is gonna kill you if he catches you sneaking out after curfew again."  
  
Looking back over his shoulder, Draco raised a melodramatic hand to his forehead and replied "No longer mourn for me when I am dead than you shall hear the surly sullen bell give warning to the world that I am fled from this vile world with vilest worms to dwell."  
  
"Twice a month" Crabbe complained loudly as he tried in vain to turn Goyle back into a human, "This has happened twice a bloody month for half a year now. As of late I have lost all my mirth. This isn't funny any more!"  
  
Draco soon found himself on a cold balcony overlooking the Quidditch pitch. He looked up at the pale moon, which shone brightly in the dark night sky. His gaze moved to the side, to the very top of the Gryffindor Tower, where none other than Virginia Juliet Weasley was leaning on the ledge, her chin resting on her hand.  
  
His breath caught in his throat. "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east and Juliet is the sun."  
  
She sighed. "Bloody hell."  
  
"She speaks. O speak again bright angel for thou art as glorious to this night being o'er my head as a winged messenger of heaven unto the white upturned wandering eyes of mortals that fall back to gaze on him when he bestrides the lazy puffing clouds and sails upon the bosom of the air."  
  
Ginny seemed to have heard him, and she looked down and let out a yelp. She was leaning too far out the window and, as she was startled, lost her balance and careened down the tower only to land softly in Draco's arms.  
  
Softly for her maybe, but Draco landed on the cold balcony with a hard thud.  
  
"DRACO?!" she screeched as she scrambled away from him, lashing out with her long skinny legs as he crawled groggily towards her.  
  
"Oh why rebuke you him who loves you so?" Draco whimpered, massaging his back with one hand and reaching out to Ginny with the other.  
  
"What's WRONG with you?! Get away from me!" as she continued to kick her legs ferociously, one of Ginny's little, bare feet collided with Draco's skull. However, his groans of pain brought little sympathy to her heart, "Ooooh! I know what's going on here! You're trying to get me in trouble! You're trying to embarrass me! Get away from me you great git! GET AWAY!"  
  
"Why should you think that I should woo in scorn? Scorn and derision never come in tears. Look when I vow, I weep; and vows so born, in their nativity all truth appears. How can these things in me seem scorn to you, bearing the badge of faith to prove them true?" Draco lamented, now massaging his head rather than his back, but still straining to touch Ginny who was now beyond terrified.  
  
"What in the name of all that is good is wrong with you?! I swear Draco Malfoy, you had better get away from me!"  
  
Suddenly, Draco stood, as though struck by a bolt of lightning (or, from the way he was acting, something far different), "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes!" he hooted, tackling Ginny and rolling into the shadows with her, stifling her yelps with his hand.  
  
Walking quickly across the balcony were Ron and Harry, who hadn't even bothered to grab the invisibility cloak they had been in such a rush. As they passed by Draco's hiding spot where he held Ginny captive, the youngest Weasley managed to bite down on Draco's hand, hard. As he yelped with pain, Ron and Harry turned to see Ginny flailing her arms wildly.  
  
"Ron! Harry! Over here! Draco's got me! Help!! He's NUTS!"  
  
Harry quickly grabbed Draco by his ear and yanked him out from the shadows as Ron loosed his sister from the boy's grip. Once Ginny and Draco had been pried apart (no thanks to Draco's yelling and kicking) Ron and Harry stood before Draco, Harry with his hands on his hips, Ron biting his thumbnail nervously.  
  
Sticking his chest out, Draco took Ginny's arm, "Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?"  
  
"What?!" Ron spat out his thumb.  
  
"Do you bite your thumb at us sir?"  
  
Harry stepped forward, menacingly, "Are you trying to start something Malfoy? I mean, usually you get directly to the point, but this," he gestured helplessly to Draco's attire and his sudden attachment to Ginny, "is just ridiculous. If you want to fight, say so."  
  
"Quarrel sir? No Sir."  
  
Ron and Harry looked at each other, nonplussed.  
  
"Draw if you be men!" Draco bellowed, whipping out his wand and menacing the two Gryffindors with it.  
  
Harry tentatively pulled out his wand from the fold of his robes, "Draco, what is going on here? Please just insult us and get it over with like you usually do."  
  
"I have no words, my voice is in my sword!" Draco cried, thrusting his wand at Harry, who deflected it with his own, almost out of instinct.  
  
"Look Draco, I am NOT going to fight you." He protested.  
  
"Then yield thee, coward, and live to be the show and gaze of the time!" with a roar, Draco leapt at Harry, attempting to stab him with his wand/sword. As he realized that Draco was actually serious about impaling him with a wand, Harry brought his wand up and used it in the proper fashion.  
  
"Stupefy!" he yelped.  
  
As Draco fell, he groaned "I am slain!" and hit the balcony with a dull thud.  
  
AUTHORS' NOTE: Yeah, so if you can tell us where each of our Shakespearean quotes is from, I'll give you a cookie. 


	2. 

**Author's Note**: Yeah yeah yeah. I know it took us forever to get this next chapter up. Sue us. (No, wait, don't. Neither one of us could afford a lawyer.) Well, anyways, as I was saying, it took a long time, but we actually furthered the plot! Yay! Go us! Yes, surprisingly there will be a plot to this story. But now, onward!  
  
  
  
ALL THE WORLD'S A STAGE  
  
Draco sat up rubbing his head groggily, "oooooh, what the- what happened to me?!" As he looked around to see, rather than his dorm, the Quidditch Pitch, he almost fell over again, "What in bloody hell am I doing on the Quidditch pitch!?"  
  
As Draco was assessing his situation, Snape and Dumbledore came into view, talking earnestly  
  
"No Headmaster, no one knows where he is. According to Crabbe and Goyle he was quoting Shakespeare or some other muggle nonsense all night, but they have no idea why he wasn't in his bed this morning." Snape was saying to Dumbledore  
  
Draco sniggered **Quoting a muggle poet? What kind of moron does that? And in Slytherin! I'll give him hell if I get a hold of him. The fruit.**  
  
As if on cue, Dumbledore spotted Draco and hurried over to him with Snape close behind, "Speak of the devil. Draco! Where have you been?! What are you doing out of the dorms?!" Dumbledore cried.  
  
"And wearing that." Snape added, slight disdain coloring his voice as he gestured to Draco's now rumpled getup of leather and silk/  
  
Draco looked down at himself- in leather pants and a silk shirt, and a cape. He tried desperately for a few moments to fabricate a decent lie, or even remember the truth, but try as he might, he couldn't, for the life of him, remember what he had been doing (and in leather pants, no less!).  
  
"Um, sir, I have no idea what's going on," his voice seemed to work by itself, and he forcibly stopped himself.  
  
Snape raised an eyebrow at him, "Mr. Malfoy, please return to the dungeons immediately. Breakfast is in 15 minutes."  
  
Draco began to saunter away, practically tripping over his cape in the process. Dumbledore stopped him, sending a glance in the direction of the potions master. "You will serve detention this evening in the potions classroom," he said, "I assume that Professor Snape will find you something to do."  
  
Draco gave the headmaster a nod and, still confused, disappeared into the castle.  
  
"You will have something for Mr. Malfoy to do," Dumbledore ordered, "and if I find out otherwise, you will hear of it."  
  
"Sir." Snape acknowledged, turning to follow his student into the castle.  
  
Dumbledore stood there silently until a glint of gold caught his eye. He bent down to pick it up and found a slender bracelet with the inscription G.J.W on its inside.  
  
**********  
  
"I don't know where it is!" Ginny exclaimed, "I had it on last night and now I don't! It could be anywhere!"  
  
Harry frowned, "Was it on when we came back inside after confronting Draco?"  
  
She shrugged, "I don't know!" Ginny let out an exasperated groan, "I do know I had it on before I fell out the window."  
  
"You fell out the window?!" Ron practically screamed.  
  
"Well, yes. How else do you think I ended up in Draco's arms? Certainly not by choice!" Ginny shuddered at the thought of willingly leaping upon Draco.  
  
Ron's face turned red, "We didn't think, at least we had hoped, well," he stammered.  
  
Hermione placed her hand on Ron's arm, "Ron, I think she was just teasing."  
  
Just then, Draco strolled into the Great Hall, having changed back into his standard Hogwarts robes. He took his seat at the Slytheric table, sending a glare towards the Gryffindors.  
  
Seamus Finnegan slid into the seat next to Ginny, "Did you hear about Malfoy?" he asked, continuing on before anyone could answer, "Last night he was seen parading around as William Shakespeare. Quoting him and everything!"  
  
Harry shrugged, "It looks as though he's okay now."  
  
Just as he said it, Draco climbed up onto the Slytherin table and cleared his throat to silence the room, "Friends! Romans! Countrymen! Lend me your ears!"  
  
"Spoke too soon," Ron muttered.  
  
"My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself because it is an enemy to thee. Had I it written I would tear the word!" Draco directed this towards Ginny, who turned bright red and slunk back to her seat.  
  
Seamus turned to Harry, trying not to grin as Ginny became redder and redder, "You were saying?"  
  
As he spoke, the dining hall erupted in laughter upon Draco's outrageous declaration.  
  
Ginny had left her seat and was inching towards the door in a desperate attempt to escape Draco's gaze and her fellow students' laughter when Dumbledore stood, raising his hands for silence.  
  
Noticing the Headmaster's displeasure at both Draco's display and their reaction, there was immediate silence from the students (though Draco stood in his spot on the Slytherin table)  
  
"Mr. Malfoy, remove yourself from the table this instant."  
  
Almost meekly, Draco obeyed, a dazed look on his face. Once Draco had clambered down from his impromptu podium, Dumbledore nodded, "Now, Mr. Malfoy, I would like you to come with me."  
  
As their Headmaster exited the Great Hall with Draco in tow, the student body watched in something akin to hushed amazement, a few murmurs and one mocking "ooooooh," that quavered off into silence, the only interruptions.  
  
By that time, Ginny had made it to the far door and was in the process of sneaking out when Dumbledore and Malfoy were about to exit.  
  
"What ho, a rat! A rat!" Draco exclaimed, pointing at Ginny accusingly. She turned red and sulked out of the shadows.  
  
"Ms. Weasley, please join us."  
  
Ginny made a face, "Headmaster, please, this- it has nothing to do with me!" she pleaded, looking at Ron and Harry helplessly.  
  
Ron stood, "Yes, please sir. The sooner Malfoy's away from my sister, the better."  
  
"And why do you say that?" Dumbledore queried, turning back towards the hall upon hearing Ron's plea.  
  
"Well," Ron fumbled, "he's been harassing her and, well, saying strange things to her."  
  
"All the more reason we should need her help," Dumbledore replied resolutely, nodding to Ginny, "Come with me Ms. Weasley."  
  
Dumbledore lead the two students to his office and, after reciting the password (taffy), the three of them entered and Dumbledore indicated towards two high-backed chairs facing his desk. As soon as they had seated themselves he turned his attention to Draco, "Now, Mr. Malfoy, I want you to explain what exactly you have been doing standing on tables, out of your dorm at all hours, out of uniform, and harassing Ms. Weasley."  
  
Draco turned his nose up at the Headmaster's requst, "I answer you? What should I answer you?"  
  
Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, "Curious."  
  
Ginny laughed incredulously, "Curious?! With all due respect, sir, why id this curious? He's insane! He's mad!"  
  
"Very true Ms. Weasley. Very true indeed."  
  
Ginny frowned and looked over at Malfoy. He was sitting, very contented, with his arms crossed. Dumbledore turned to him, "Mr. Malfoy, pray tell me this: What were you doing on the table at breakfast?"  
  
"Did my heart love til now? Forswear it sight, for I ne'er saw true beauty til this night?" he swooned, dropping onto one knee in front of Ginny.  
  
Dumbledore narrowed his eyes as Draco, seemingly oblivious to everything but Ginny, reached for her hand, "I prithee pretty youth, let me be better acquainted with thee."  
  
"Ms. Weasley, have you ever heard of the poet and playwright William Shakespeare?"  
  
"Seamus mentioned him this morning, but what does that have to do with anything?" Draco kissed her hand. She pulled it away, wiping it on her robes.  
  
"I'm afraid Mr. Malfoy is suffering from a very rare case of bardism."  
  
  
  
**Author's Note**: Now wasn't that fun?! This time there will be TWO cookies instead of one offered to the reader who can tell us where these quotes came from! (and in the next chapter I will post the list of those of you who get cookies) 


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